Welcome into my life...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

说真的过了这么久，心里的压力还是无法释放出来。。。

我不希望自己拿着“你懂我的，对吗？”，来当着借口。。这句话真的会压着我的心中，很沉重，很沉重。。。但是，今天你还是用了。。。并不是，我不懂你，并不是你不能去，只不过我并不希望你拿这句话来压我，压得我喘不过气来。。。因为这只是让我觉得你只不过是不了解我。。。

虽然，是个临时决定的事，但是，我觉得有一些事是可以预料的。毕竟节日，生日，纪念日是不能改变的，不是吗？或许之前没有，但是我觉得有时候未雨绸缪还是好的。。。当然，我不是一个霸道的人，认定了事情，就死死的一定要做，要去。虽然会不高兴，不爽，但并不代表着我一定会霸着你不放。这不是我要的。。。

所以当你说了那句话，我真的伤到了。。。

2:44 PM
Evadne

Monday, January 24, 2011

i thank God to have u by my side...: "i'm really blessed to have u guys by my side... esp after tis whole mag epiosde, when i really felt tat i'm emotionally drained, mind n body drained... i'm glad i noe there's someone to stand by mi, believing in mi... when i noe who i can turn 2... although i'm affected by the whole thing, although i noe tat i shouldn't let my emotions to run over mi, but it still hurting mi in some ways... but i noe tat u will be still by my side... like wad my name Evadne means good fortune in Greek, i'm really fortunate to have u by my side. rite now, i juz wanna 2 get back on track again... even though i dunno when i will forget tis whole episode, but it still teach mi hw 2 be strong n nv letting ppl 2 bully mi, climbing on top of mi... i'm really regret tat i'm building relationship wif her... feeling stupid thinking tat she actually wanting 2 be frenz... now i juz wan 2 gt out of this... n forget it once n for all... coz i dun wan it drag myself down again."

i've made tat decision n nv wanting to change again... really 看懂一件事，长大了。看清一件事，开窍了。看破一件事，理性了。看透一件事，成熟了。看穿一件事，到头了。看淡一件事，放下了。（got tis frm internet)

12:34 PM
Evadne

Monday, November 29, 2010

i dunno wad to do now... feeling very lost... lost, lost, lost.... haiz... wad am i suppose to do? i dunno... who can tell mi? haiz....

12:44 PM
Evadne

Thursday, July 22, 2010

itz really seems like a dream 2 mi tis past 1 wk... On mon my boss told mi tat they'll be converting into perm staff... I really cannot believed it... I really can't believed coz if nt my last day will be 2molo n i'll hav 2 start finding again... E routine which i dun really like it... Lolz...
I still can't really believed it like itz nt real 2 mi... Like living in e dream, n i'm scared tat suddenly i wake up itz nt there nt real... Lolz... I'm really like 胡思乱想一番... Lolz...

Anyway, itz really a blessing... N itz like prayer beening answer... Thank U, Lord. Thank U for believing in mi n didn't give up on mi... =)

10:03 AM
Evadne

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

juz like wad i put in e title... Deciding facing each n every day w a smile... It's hard coz there's nt much of things tat we r happy abt, 2 smile abt... But as they always say, no matter hw u live ur day, e day juz goes past... (过一天,也是一天)

so smile! It will brighten up ur day no matter wad... Who noes, maybe ur smile brighten up someone's life too...

11:12 AM
Evadne

another day... Another day in work.. Another long long long day... Another day without him... Haiz... Y we always missed those who r nt around us anymore?? 为什么等到他不在了,我们才来后悔, 才来想念他???
这应该是我们每次说的... 当他在的时候,我们不好好的珍惜和他在一起的每一天,每一分,每一秒. 等到他不在的时候,我们才来后悔...
i missed him... I really do... Iamge i already missed him tat much, wad abt auntie stella, maoqi, maoshin? I noe auntie stella missed him very much, very much... Maoqi n maoshin although didn't say much but they still missed him esp maoshin ba... He took in e hardest...
But i noe they will pulled through no matter wad... As they always say life still goes on... No matter wad happened, it's ur choice to whether to face it with a smile or with gloomy face...

10:49 AM
Evadne

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

izzit a new beginning? i dunno.... i've started a new job but itz a temp n i hope it will become a perm 1 by e end of e mth. i quite like it here n it so called near my hse. @ least itz on e east west line...

somehow i felt tat itz all come back 2 square 1. weird but i really think tat... tatz y i put question mark behind it.

yesterday, we had a prayer meeting n it was really refreshing... really it did.... although my mind wandering here n there some of e times... itz e atmostphere ba... prayers really did help in our lives... itz really relaxing in tis kind of atmostphere...

tis wk we r having Red Rain concert.... i dun mind them @ all as itz 1 of e band tat which i 1st heard in church... it juz tat i felt my age is catching up (seemz like i'm e elderly... lolz)... e concert is full of young ppl, e youths. n 2 say e truth, i dun really have e energy 2 go tis kind of concerts anymore... i'm old aready... i admit... XP

itz really relaxing in office now as every1 out 4 lunch... haha... i had home cooked food so i stayed behind... y i dun think tatz matters anyway... coz i'm nt familiar or close wif e ppl in my office exp maybe paul whom i'm seen in MBS b4. haha...

1:41 PM
Evadne

Monday, May 03, 2010

do u ever doubt God? or u can even say doubting Him? i guess some parts of our lives we do, juz tat we dun say it...

i did doubt God. recently. as e days went by after uncle tham's death, i doubted Him. i can't understand y He had 2 take him away frm us when we had hopes tat he could survive. i dun understand y He had 2 save mi frm e fall over n over again? i dun understand y He had 2 send His Son 2 die for us where His Son was a prefect man, sinless? y He wan 2 save mi all over again, forgive mi all over again, over e wrong things tat i've done, over e wrong words tat i've said?
even taken for granted, y He wan 2 save mi, forgive mi? i'm actually a bad gal afterall. a sinner.

He replied mi last wk, during CG's worship. 'Becoz u r My daughter.'

'Becoz u r My daughter.' these r juz simple words tat my Father wans 2 reassure mi. this is His love, His love for mi.

Becoz i'm His child, His daughter...

6:13 PM
Evadne

i noe myself if i dun even pull up n i'll nv will... nt returning smses is 1 of e ways tat i wish 2 cut away frm them... but each time i couldn't... itz hard... i noe its e fear n loneliness tat eating up my heart. even when i'm wif whole bunch of them i still feel it... its seemz like i'm nt belonging 2 them... i love them, i really do.

e reason i've kept returning is tat i felt e love frm them, n i dun deny it. coz it's e truth n e fact. but i've always struggled. struggling btw whether 2 go n nt 2 go.... i noe myself... doing things always 三分钟热度... i'm quite surprised tat i've aready going tis long...

doing ministries was nv in my mind, 2 say e truth... it juz happen 2 be there... n really itz oso a kind of reasons for keeping myself busy n learning... but i did enjoy them, i love e way they operate, i love e smiles on their faces whenever things get done, after services having 2 noe wad r ur good n bad points...

but suddenly, all of these things disappeared... i couldn't felt e joy, e smiles on their faces... i juz felt dead... i can't feel anything... my heart juz went dead... i really felt like burying my head in the sand, escaping...

a heart in e coffin, trying 2 struggle whether 2 live or left 2 die.

i nv like 2 build deep relationships wif ppl, afraid them hurting mi or mi hurting them. it like i'm putting my burden 2 them coz some burdens r nt meant 2 be carried by them which somehow i might putting on2 them unknowningly. i hate myself for tat, coz it always putting mi down. beening ashamed, feeling low whenever i c them.

these few wks were e worse ever. i even hate going out of e hse, hate going out 2 e crowd, i'm back again 2 e old self. wadz e use? might as well giving up rite? but am i on e position 2 say tat?

hav i had e position n rite 2 say????

5:37 PM
Evadne

these 2 mths were really down 2 e bottom. heart in the deepest deepest down the sea, where no light can ever shine in2... i wanted to escape but there no place n room 4 mi 2 move...

work contract ended in feb, next uncle tham fell sick n passed away... i couldn't understand aunite stella's pain, qi's, even mao shin's. becoz i'm nt them n nv will understand. but i can still feel e pain of my own... e whole wake when i was there i juz dun really feel it but e last day of e wake we felt e pain in e heart... sending uncle tham last journey was e hardest thing i've even done so far... esp when we saw him movin slowly towards e fire...

auntie stella had changed so much even since uncle tham's death... nt onli her but oso qi n mao shin even our family 2 had changed.... although rite now she had work 2 work on, but wad abt her heart?

where's e joy n peace...

5:23 PM
Evadne